Guild taunting

I do not wish an open war between Chaos and any guild, neither would I like to see the Scythe on the move. The taunts and insults I will teach you are not being taught by one of the Eldar, when it comes to politics. I do this as an individual and will face the consequences personally. I do not claim these to represent the general opinion among Eldar.

Notice: Player harassment is a bountyable offence. If someone states that they consider your guild taunting harassment, and you don't stop, they have the right to fill a Law form to set a bounty on your scalp. And personally, I find insulting a player distasteful, and therefore it should always be clear that it is character vs. character, or, even better, guild vs. guild. (Nothing like a bit of nice prejudice, eh?) Remember the general courtesy and enjoy your role playing.

Chaos

They are well prepared. The first time I ran into direct and obvious guild hatred, it was with a Chaos mage, can't remember the name anymore. Too many of them. They refer to us as Keebler Elves, treehuggers and mock our fighting abilities. They haven't forgotten to remind us of the belief the Eldar lives by milk, salad and bakery products, either. I have to admit that I am not much of a fighter, because I prefer healing. It's different when I run into some undead, goblins or uncivilized orcs, though. But my point is, we are not weaklings. But on with the subject. This collection owes a lot to a fine member of the House Glendoriel, Naomi, who has, unfortunately, disappeared. I have heard, from a rather reliable source, that a person called Daroki would know where she is.

Be warned. You use the insults at your own risk. I have gone trough a permanent uglify spell as well as a good beating. Guess which one was from a Chaoser and which one from a Scyther?

• Some Chaosers particularly enjoy insulting our singing. They can, with a mocking smile, ask us to sing, as our "falsetto is lovely to the ear". For those occasions, I advice you to follow my example:
  Fir sings a jubilant song about the indiscriminate slaying of the Chaosers and the raising of their heads on pikes outside Duendar village.
• Should you be a sizable, well-built wanderer, the "why is it, Eldar, that your tavern sells milk and salad?" could be answered with flexing your muscles and asking: "Do you think we would grow up to be this big by milk and salad?"
• Again, if you are convincing enough, there is sarcasm available: "Oh NO!! Don't MESMERIZE me!! PLEASE!!"

Then, the rumours. You can base a lot of taunting on them, it seems.

• "Is it true that Salome requires carnal favours before you can accept things from the Vault?"
• "I hear Salome extends special professional courtesies to Malik and Maleficio."
• "Is Salome *really* a hermaphrodite?"
• "Have you heard what Malik does to the corpses, after he sacrifices them??? He's not called a necro just because he used to be a necromancer, is he?"
• "One day, a fellow lawful citizen caught Salome, Malik and Maleficio having a little menage a trois. I hear that's what made Malik the way he is with little dead children."
• "I understand Chaosers have a very easy life with a simpleton's methodology: Kill it, but if you can't kill it, ask for a channel or two, and if you can't carry the spoils, donate them so no one else can get it."
• "Is it true that everyone targets Chaosers for quick, easy kills because they can't fight unless they have 10 other members channeling them?"

Now that we got to fighting abilities...

• The Eldar don't need channeling powers. We can fight and kill on our own. Pity members of Chaos can't.

• So tell me, Chaoser, why is it that the Orc Patrol never ventures far from Dalair? I've heard they went too far south one day and got slaughtered by the Eldar... Better watch your own neck, hadn't you? You might find your head on a pole outside the Entrance to Duendar Village.
• I remember one day when I ran into the Orc Patrol. I was on my way to Dalair anyway. Just stopped and mowed down the Orc Patrol first, that's all.

That is about all I can manage right now of them. Should you get good ideas, I would be eager to learn more. Chaos taunts were the thing that got me started, you know.

Scythe

Scythe is an orc thing. We all know that. They accept other races as well, but the biggest thing I can throw in at them is reference to the specific point of Scythers being... orcish. I have to admit, I have practically nothing against civilized orcs who have decided to live the same way as decent people, but the black sheep usually outnumber the white ones.

• Maybe begin with something like this: "As your, um, ethnical group lacks intelligence, I shall say this very slowly."

• I have met several Scythers who go green by the face and puke at the sight of an elf. The answer reminds me of a place called Monkey Island, but I do not remember visiting such a place... "I make /you/ want to puke? You make me think someone already did." (More of these are yet to come.)
• Are they offering to buy you boots of running? "Why, thank you! But then you /must/ allow me to get you a sturdy helmet, lest your technique with opening doors should destroy anything important.. oh wait, nevermind."
• They referring to frolicks in the woods? "Indeed, they say fresh air is good for the brain. You should be glad you don't need to worry about things like that."

Then the main course...

• "I heard you can keep a Scyther busy all day by telling them to count to 11 with their fingers."
• "You spend half your time trying to be witty - one might say you were a half-wit."
• "Say what you think. I bet you'll be speechless."
• "I never forget a face, but with yours I'll make an exception."
• "Is that your face, or did you block a kick?"
• "Don't get me wrong, I do believe you have a brain. It just hasn't reached your head yet."
• "Should they ever put a price on your head, I advice you to take it."
• "You must have a soft heart since you have a head to match."

The ones who live on the wrong side of the Law

I have heard rumours that there would be some of this kind as well. Assassins, thieves, rogues. I have something for them, too, should someone ever need it.

• "A gentleman to the fingerprints."
• "The knife of the party."
• "I give you a free hand and you stick it right in my pocket."
• "As a child, a promising yet-to-become Raven ran away with the circus. Then the sheriff told him to bring it back."

And now for some real taunting

• "I burst my pimples at you, and call your taunting a silly thing, you tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms!"
• "I wave my private parts at your ugly aunties, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters!"
• "I unclog my nose at you. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
• "Cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already."
• "Now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger! And if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, son of a window-dresser!"

Epilogue

You fight like a dairy farmer.
- How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?
- Why, did you want to borrow one?
I once met a dog that was smarter than you.
- He must have taught you everything you know.
I've spoken with apes more polite than you.
- I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.
My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!
- So you got the job as a janitor, after all.
Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kebab.
- First you'd better stop waving it like a feather-duster.
Every word you say to me is stupid.
- I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.
There are no words for how disgusting you are.
- Yes there are. You just never learned them.
People fall at my feet when they see me coming.
- Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will!
- You run THAT fast?
I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!
- I hope you've now learned to stop picking your nose.
I've heard you are a contemptible sneak.
- Too bad no-one's ever heard of YOU at all.
I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!
- Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?
This is the END for you, you Gutter Crawling Cur!
- And I've got a TIP for you! Get the POINT?

To be honest, I am not sure if the copyrights of Monkey Island (tm) would deny me the right and pleasure to put the list there, as they are a somewhat lengthy quote, but I'll just make sure you know they aren't my own (hey, what is? ;-)) and praise the people who made the game, wossname. I don't own it myself, and the list is second-hand information.